The Petition
by EliteSky
Summary: What happens when our beloved characters gather together to make a CHANGE?  Part II rant on FFXIII-2... Revived from the completed dead.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Okay, I'm taking a break from Restless Haunting as the next chapter is intense and I can't seem to get it right.  
This is my first, small attempt at light-hearted humour to balance out Restless. I don't hang around fanfiction here alot, so I'm not sure if somebody has already tried something similar.  
Nevertheless, apologies if I've offended anyone (especially *coughs* Obama *coughs* and Square Enix supporters) with this crack fic. :P Let me know if it works for you._

And what would you want to change about the characters, hmm?

**_Disclaimer:_**_ The usual of I don't own any of these characters, SE does, blah blah... don't sue me_

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The party of six gathered round small clusters of rocks, murmuring in excitement.

"Yay! Alrighty. I've gathered you guys here today to make a petition. To Square Enix!" Vanille nodded excitedly. She did her little dance of punching the air while lifting one of her feet up.

There was an increased level of muttering amongst the group, part in confusion and part in anticipation.

"Vanille honey, what do you wanna petition about?" Fang asked on behalf of everyone.

"Oooh… you know, what we don't like about ourselves! Like why we have to do certain things in the game that we don't wanna! It's not like we get paid to do it…" The redhead's pigtails bobbed in a frenzy as she got carried away in her speech. "We want change! I don't know how, but that's gotta be a way! Everyone, repeat after me, 'YES! We can!'"

"Now, now, little missy, hold on to your horses! You're saying that by submitting this petition, we might get to do things a different way?" Sazh piped up, the chocobo in his afro squeaked in annoyance at his sudden movement.

"Yeah, why not? There's no harm in trying…" Vanille pouted.

"Alright, alright, let's just humour the young girl, since we have nothing to do while the game is on pause. Can everybody just name a few things that you would wanna change?" Fang pushed herself off a boulder and started pacing. "Vanille! Why don't you start?"

"Oh, okay!" The girl began brightly. "Let's see… first of all, can someone please change my voice actress please? Pleeease? She sounds so squeaky and girlish that I'm getting on my own nerves! I mean I like that I'm all sunshine and rainbows, but this voice is really over the top! And do I have to moan and squeal in excitement all the time? It's TIRING!" She complained.

Fang looked a bit stunned. "Vanille, but that's why everyone wants to protect you. 'Cos you're such a whiny little girl!" Vanille pouted. "That's not true! Everyone wants to protect me 'cos I'm cute and adorable, it's nothing to do with my voice. Oh, ohhh! And I want a change of clothes! I think it's ridiculous for me to run around bare-assed all the time!"

Most of the group nodded in agreement. Sazh spoke up next. "Right, so while we are on the topic of change, I want this little bugger out of my hair right now! I think I'm starting to stink…" The chocobo in question squeaked in indignation, fluffed its feathers and flew to seek refuge with Vanille. "Awww… it's okay little one. If the old man doesn't want you, you can stay in my pouch!"

"And does anyone get a feeling that this is a feminine game? I mean I know I don't get enough action as it is. The player always chooses Lightning, Fang and Vanille. The guys just die way too easily." Sazh continued. Sazh raised his hands up in surrender as three pairs of feminine eyes glared daggers at him.

"Well Fang, what would you like to change then? I think you're just fine as you are." Snow offered.

"For once, Trench Coat, you say the sweetest things…" Fang drawled. "I'm fine and all, I just need to change the name of my ultimate attack."

"What's wrong with Highwind?" Hope asked while scratching his head.

"Ab-so-lute-ly nothing, darling. That is, if you want your most kickass attack to sound like the passing of gas. I mean, even Snow has something royal-sounding like _Sovereign Fist_. Why do I get stuck with such a MUNDANE name like _Highwind_? Make it _'Your-Royal-Highness-Descending-from-the-Sky'_ attack, why duncha? And I wanna name change. _Fang_ sounds way badass, but combined with Yun Fang, and I have an Asian name right there. Then I make my dramatic appearance in blue sari robes. AND I have this bloody brilliant western accent. The audience must be sooo confused right there."

Snow punched his fists together and concurred. "The Hero must have a cool sounding ability alright? O-K. If it were up to me, I want to get rid of this Trench Coat. Serah thinks it makes me look like some kind of flasher or pedophile."

Everyone looked at him incredulously. "Man, I thought you woulda wanted more brains to go with your brawn, that kinda thing? No?" Sazh bravely opined. As it turned out, he need not have worried. The barely veiled insult flew right past the blond's head as he looked at Sazh stupidly and mumbled "Why would I want that?"

"Now, we're left with Sunshine and Hope. Sunshine, you go first, since you're the lead character and all."

Everyone turned to look at Lightning now, who had been forgotten as she was leaning quietly against the wall with her arms folded. She looked bored while she checked her perfectly manicured nails. "There's nothing I want to change. I think I'm good." She replied. The group groaned and palmed their foreheads in exasperation.

"Of COURSE she's good. She's the main character for Fal'Cie's sake. Look at her! She's all perfect! The wonderful, PERFECT, pink goddess that we all worship at her feet!" Sazh complained.

Everyone nodded in agreement. Lightning made a "tsk" sound of irritation and spoke up. "I just have a few comments. I don't have enough lines." This earned her quite a resounding "BOO!" from the others. She frowned deeper.

"Sunshine, I think you spoke up the most with your speech to Orphan back there!" Fang pointed out.

"But no one remembers it! Think, do you even recall what I said?" Lightning demanded. "Besides, I'll just bet everyone remembers your 'Yeah, you're great, I'm great, everybody's great!' one-liner! It's unfair that you're just spouting nonsense and everyone remembers you!"

There was an awkward silence. A chocobo's _"Kweh!"_ could be heard in the distance.

"She has a point!" Vanille cried. Lightning turned her infamous glacial eyes at the young girl and said "And I want fewer movements in my _Army of One_. I don't understand why I have to jump and flip so damn bloody much while SOMEBODY here just stands there and cast Death!"

"Hey! But my attacks only work ten percent of the time!" Vanille objected shrilly.

Hope raised his hand meekly. "I don't want to sound all whiny…" Five pairs of eyes turned to glare at him. He gulped. "Well fine, someone made me whine my way through half the game, I can't help it! Yes, anyway, I want to have more screen time with Vanille. So there will be less fanfics out there for LightningxHope. Light, I love you and all, but you're just too OLD for me."

"Like Vanille isn't, _cough,_ more than five hundred years older, _cough…_" Fang chimed in.

Vanille turned red in the face to match her hair and her clothes. "Ohhh!" she cried in embarrassment as she raised her palms to cover her mouth. "I didn't know you feel that way!"

Hope had a feeling of déjà vu as Vanille squealed and ran off into the distance. Didn't that happen some time in the game before?

Sazh scratched his afro and crossed one foot behind the other. "Erm, right, so the chairperson of this meeting has run off. Anyone taking minutes? What about the petition?"

The group just looked at each other and dispersed despondently.

And that was the reason why nothing had changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I'm sorry, I'm just very very put off by the new trailer of FFXIII-2. I think it killed alot of my inspiration for my fics, and I'm not sure if other writers here feel the same way. While I do look forward to a sequel of the game, I'd really hate it if it cheapens the way we perceive Lightning, as an independent, strong and idealistic young woman. And if they just randomly paired her up with some guy, thinking she would be happy... man, I hope Fang will really lurch herself into Square Enix's board room and kick some ass!

This was written while I'm really agitated over this news, so forgive the lack of quality and alot of ranting! FFXIII-2, you cannot end up like FFX-2, please... I beg you...

Disclaimer: While SE does own this series and all, I think the fans are entitled to their own views. Slight bashing and wish list stated.

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**Episode II: Screw the Petitions**

The man in the afro walked despondently to the rocky outcrop that his comrades had not too long ago gathered to overthrow Square Enix. He sighed, reminiscing the good old days and thinking how small their problems were as compared to now. What did they know about petitions anyway? Thinking that could take on a giant company larger than the size of Orphan, or heck, of an oretoise or Long Gui. They had a more serious problem to tackle now, and they were all helpless to it. Facing a new evil without their leader, it was game over before the fight even started!

He took off his green military coat and spread it on the ground. The small (slightly bigger chocobo) chirped and flew out of his hair as he made to sit cross-legged on his coat. Sazh heaved another sigh as he drew out a harmonica.

"Right little fella, life has to go on ya? Let the show hit the road!"

Sazh put the harmonica to his lips and started a cheerful western tune. The little chocobo chick knew it was time to earn his keep and began to beat his small wings around, twisting his body here and there to imitate Justin Bieber's dance moves. The duo kept at it while the wild life around Gran Pulse began venturing slowly over, to see what they were up to.

A few munchkins skated close by and tossed a few gils onto Sazh's coat, shaking their heads sadly as they turned away from the pathetic sight. A few adamantoise tried to offload their platinum ingots at Sazh, but were hampered by their gigantic feet and Sazh had to cross his fingers and pray to Etro that he didn't get instantly KO-ed from the earthquakes that they were creating with their kind gesture.

Snow and Serah warped out of the nearest C'ieth stones and went to sit with the elderly man. Serah put a comforting hand on Sazh's shoulder.

"You alright, Sazh?"

Sazh looked at Serah's grieving eyes and turned away. "How can anybody be alright, Serah. Your sister's not here, Fang and Vanille are still frozen. Our family has been torn apart!" He threw his hands up in the air for emphasis.

"I know! Man, I hate all this waiting!" Snow punched his fists together. "How could they get rid of the Hero like that?"

Suddenly, there was a glaring white light in front of them, and the Gran Pulsian wild life all scattered and ran for cover. A familiar raven hair beauty and her redhead partner materialized in front of them.

"What's goin' on everyone, where's Light?" The much missed drawl of Fang was like music to the soul. Serah squealed happily and ran to give Fang and Vanille a hug.

Sazh stared in amazement. "Fang, Vanille! I thought the director asked you act frozen in crystal?"

Fang stretched her long limbs and moved her sore neck about. "Yeah well, I was getting pins and needles from sleeping for so long. Thought we'll take a break, no one will notice. So where's Light?"

Snow rummaged his pockets for his iPhone and passed it to Fang.

"See for yourself, Fang. And be careful with that phone, I paid for it with my last bonus paycheck after starring in that spectacular ending scene with Light, with my enthusiastic proclamation of love for Serah."

Fang took the phone and streamed the video playing on YouTube. At first, her expression was serene, looking at the ending where Light gave such a sweet gorgeous smile, with her low sexy voice giving a narration over the scene.

_Sleep in peace, Divine Etro  
I will stand guard over your legacy…_

Then her emerald eyes narrowed and her normally radiant face contorted with horror. The grip she had over the phone threatened to shatter it to a million pieces and Snow danced around on his feet nervously, trying to make sneaky attempts to get his gadget back.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Who is that freaking purple dude?"

Vanille peeked over Fang's shoulder and watched with concern at the replay.

Serah wringed her hands worriedly, as everyone looked to her for answers.

"Well, Claire was with me one second, then she had a really lucrative job offer, and poof, she went…" She tried to gesture weakly at nothing in particular. "I don't know where she is right now."

Fang was still boiling inside and she thrust the iPhone under Snow's face.

"Call her!" She snarled.

"Erm… I don't think it's a good idea, Fang. Sis might be busy with her new job and all…"

"Do it!" Fang unclipped her lance from her back and moved threateningly towards the blond giant.

"Okay okay, Fang. But don't blame me if she didn't pick up after seeing who's calling her!"

While Snow swiped some buttons on the phone to dial, Vanille turned to Sazh.

"So Sazh, you're here busking in Gran Pulse because everyone's out of a job? Why aren't we in the sequel? And where's Hope?"

Sazh stood up and shrugged helplessly. "I have a son to feed at home, little lady. Like what Light said in that trailer, _'Yet time continued onwards'_. She always says the most inspiring things, but she still complained she didn't have enough lines the previous time. And honestly, who gives a damn about that little kid? He could be here somewhere, walking off a cliff now that his mentor is no longer around."

Serah raised her hand meekly. "I think the last time I saw Hope, he was going on about how he's going to submit petitions to the Square Enix team, hoping for HopeXLightning storyline in the sequel, now that he's older and all…"

"What?" Vanille fumed. "The last time round he wanted more screen time with me cos' he said Light was too OLD for him!"

Sazh wrapped a comforting arm around Vanille. "Maybe he changed his mind after mulling over your chronological age gap of five hundred years, missy. Not to worry, we all still love you."

Vanille stamped her foot in frustration. "It's so unfair!"

Meanwhile, the call was actually picked up and Snow hastily handed the phone over to Fang, putting the phone on speaker mode. Before Fang could speak though, a familiar female voice droned monotonously.

"You have reached the phone of Lightning Farron. This is her agent speaking, please leave a message after the tone. Beep! That's the tone, in case you're wondering. Start leaving your bloody message."

Fang shouted incredulously down the phone, "Nabaat, is that ya, ya evil evil woman! What, you're out of a job too and working for Light? Or did you just steal her phone, ya old hag?"

"Who you calling an old hag, you five hundred year old vixen! And Lightning did not hire me, Square did!" Nabaat shouted back.

"I don't give a damn! Put Light on right now!"

There was a stream of curses and some arguing before the phone sounded like it was snatched back and a breathless and uncertain "Hello?" came on.

Fang wasted no time and launched into her tirade.

"Light, how could you? Ya promised we'll stay together, and ya left us all here in this realm and ya went off somewhere else? And who is that purple haired androgynous looking dude? He looks like he's trying to imitate my style!"

"Fang! You're alright! I missed you so much! Oh no, then why am I here?" Light sounded confused and upset.

"Didn't you get that new job offer? Sis, you looked great by the way!" Snow shouted from a distance, edging further away from Fang's murderous glares.

"Light, you got de-pixelated and made over, and I gotta admit, ya look really hot and young and cute. But, what the hell are ya doing there? Get over here so we can have a happy ending already! Did ya rob Odin of his armour and put it on ya?"

"Ya, I think she took Yuna's skirt and Squall's feathers too!" Vanille pointed out.

There was a "tch" over the phone and everyone could imagine Lightning rubbing her temples in annoyance.

"Look, I didn't mean to abandon you guys alright? I got tricked to come here and work. The creator promised a happy ending for me, and I thought I was on my way to save Fang and Vanille. They showed me this vague picture of that guy, said it was the other main character, and I mistook it for Fang. They kinda look similar, and I was wondering, maybe Fang got de-pixelated and made over as well."

The grip Fang had over her lance got tighter.

"Ya mistook me for that git? Who do I have to kill to get ya back? Name it, I will rain down hell on them!"

"Fang, would you calm down? I already signed the contract. I don't know what they will make me do, sing and dance like Yuna or what not. But so far, it's not been so terrible, except I have to bare more ass like Fran did in FFXII."

Fang ran a hand through her tangled hair and groaned in frustration. Her death grip over the phone finally won out and the iPhone really did shatter into pieces. Snow gave a shocked yelp and lunged for the phone, but was unfortunately too late to save it.

"Fang! You just destroyed our only means to contact Light! All our paychecks combined cannot even buy us a phone now!" Snow griped miserably. Serah took her fiance's hand and stroked it comfortingly.

Fang ignored the whining blond oaf and looked towards the sky.

"Vanille, I will tear down the sky to see her again. I don't care how it's done, we will confront Etro to get us to wherever she is. Who's with me?"

"No petitions this time, Fang? You know I'm with you all the way!"

"Nope, straight to the head honchos of Square Enix we go!" Sazh rallied and his chocobo chirped in agreement.

All five remaining members of FFXIII raised their fists into the air.

"For Lightning!"

_She must not be forgotten…_


End file.
